Strategic Discipline Blog

My journey through Acute Myeloid Leukemia continues with the next to last segment from Chapter VII from CANCER CURED – Miracle Moment – NO FEAR & Another Biopsy 

(Previous segments of CANCER CURED are available here:  CANCER CURED BOOK -to read from the beginning you’ll need to scroll through to the bottom to find CANCER CURED – What do You Feed?, which is the first in the series.)

NO Fear

Perhaps you like I have often heard the expression, God’s Will. It’s often used when predicting our future, as if our destiny is somehow completely controlled by some, uncaring, unfeeling, supreme power. Thus, we are helpless to His power and influence and are completely at his mercy.

I never subscribed to this belief or postulate, nor am I sure most people do. Most of us are too focused on doing whatever we do to succeed or get what we want. We concentrate on our own actions and activities. All too frequently we forget to ask God, the supreme creator to aid us.

In my search for understanding of how God can be in control of the Universe, and we still operate in this system with free will, I came across insights from a minister who helped explain in my mind what God’s Will is.

He broke down the two words, God and Will, into separate definitions. Then brought these two together for a helpful understanding of God’s Will.

What is God? God at the base of it all is LOVE.

What is Will? Will is our THOUGHTS.

When you combine these two God’s Will is LOVING THOUGHTS.

That’s exactly what I expect from a loving creator, someone who loves me more than I can love myself.

We are limited in our understanding of who God is due to our narrow, finite, human beliefs.

When we think of who God is, do we think of Him in terms of the allness of Creation? Do we think of standing on a mountain top, looking out over the beauty, the power, magnitude, and magnificence of His creation, or do we only have our head bowed and see the dirt below us, from which He created us out of?

God isn’t limited.

We are.

We do God an injustice when we fail to realize He lives within us and LOVES US BEYOND OUR ABILITY TO COMPREHEND – MORE THAN WE LOVE OURSELVES!

The only time to let Go, and Let God, is when we meet the place where we can no longer understand HIS power, His Love, and His willingness to provide for us everything we could ever desire.

That’s when you let go and allow God to prove to you his Love for you!

Another Biopsy

One of the most difficult aspects of chemotherapy is the biopsy process. To say it is painful or uncomfortable diminishes the stress and anxiety it causes. I endured this procedure at least 6 times during my treatment. 

A biopsy is really a test. My friend, Wade Hiner, is fond of saying, you can’t have a testimony without the test.

After going through chemotherapy, the biopsy discovered how well the chemo treatment did in reducing the cancerous cells in my bone marrow.

I’m my case when I entered the hospital, 84% of my bone marrow was cancerous. To achieve the necessary count/percentage to be eligible for a bone marrow transplant I needed to have this count less than 10%.

Each time I would go through chemotherapy I would need to wait a few weeks to take the biopsy. I’ve already shared the embarrassment Michelle would feel when I would have this done. The morphine and drugs I received made me loopy. It was the same effect alcohol would have on me. I would become uninhibited, no fear for what I would say, and often use words, sexual innuendos, admissions, or honesty Michelle would be embarrassed by. Michelle was just the opposite of this, holding back her feelings and never admitting any of her inhibitions or vulnerabilities. Having your ass laid bare to doctors and nurses is not exactly something one relishes either. The morphine helped!

After the biopsy, the samples were sent out to be tested. It required 2-3 days for the results to return. Due to the importance of getting my blood down to 10% each outcome was critical. The results would determine if I were making progress toward a transplant. Unfortunately, in my case, none of the outcomes provided enough progress to convince the doctors I was making sufficient progress with the treatments.

Through 5 chemotherapies the results still left me short of the 10% goal, with my best up until that point 42%.

You can imagine the angst, and the tension following the biopsy awaiting the results. I’m afraid while I was anxious to hear the results, I most likely was not as disappointed or dispirited by them as much as Michelle. I don’t wish to make it sound like I am immune to fear or worry. In this case I always had a sense of God being in control. I certainly felt disappointed when the results didn’t indicate greater reduction in my cancer. Frankly I’m not sure how disappointed Michelle felt. She didn’t openly express her emotions to me. I could only sense she was convinced I wasn’t going to make it.

42% is quite a distance from 10%. You can understand why Dr. Begum provided her recommendation about my survival chances and what she recommended I choose to do.

I’m not sure I sensed the biopsy following my clinical trial would be different from the previous ones, however, I’m sure I felt confident when the doctors allowed me to go home for a few days in late July.

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You might already know the what happens when Dr Carter calls me with the results of my biopsy.  It didn't make it any less dramatic.  Next week the message I recieved 4 weeks earlier is confirmed.

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NEXT BLOG – CANCER CURED - CHAPTER VII - Dr. Carter's Call