Strategic Discipline Blog

CANCER CURED – CHAPTER III - MY BROTHER - GARY

My journey through Acute Myeloid Leukemia continues with Chapter III from CANCER CURED - Why Did I Get Cancer?

(Previous segments of CANCER CURED are available here:  CANCER CURED BOOK -to read these from the beginning you’ll need to scroll through to the bottom to find CANCER CURED – What do You Feed?, which is the first in the series.)

This is the seventh and final section of Chapter III

My brother Jim inspired my brother Gary.

I was closer to my brother Gar. We were just a year and nine months apart in age.  He was older.  Born July 2^nd, 1951, he shared a birthday with my wife, Michelle, who was also born on July 2^nd, 1968.

Gary was passionate about reading; his two favorite subjects were history and sports.  His passion for sports got me interested in them.  He would have loved to have my height. He grew to be just 5’9”, but few could rival his desire and passion for sports, particularly football and basketball.  We spent hours playing both, playing several games we made up around baseball, including ground ball to the shortstop, pitcher and catcher, and eventually whiffle ball. 

In 5^th and 6^th grade Gary, two years ahead of me, became more passionate with sports, particularly basketball. I owe a great deal of my love of basketball to him. Once I got into high school, whether he was on the team or watching my progress from college, he became my biggest fan and supporter.  He often shared what others were saying about me.  It kept me humble, and hungry.  I never took for granted the gift God had given me with my height, something I could see limited Gary, and gave me a great advantage.  Having Gary pick me up and share compliments and accolades I might never have heard otherwise helped me stay unpretentious about my success. 

Gary always seemed to have challenges preventing him from being as successful as he wanted to be.  In basketball, it was his height. In football, his height and weight were handicaps. Gary played football with intensity, passion, and purpose.  No one would ever out-hustle him, his physical skills and being just 5’9” and 145 pounds as a lineman, limited his success. The summer before his senior year his appendix burst. Mom and Dad rushed him to the hospital for an emergency appendectomy.  He still played football, but with his weight dropping to 130, Gary was never able to perform that year at the level he expected.

Gary played basketball with the same aggressiveness and intensity. When he was a sophomore two of the seniors on the basketball team didn’t like his intensity, in practice.  After practice one night the two ganged up on him and beat him up. Gary’s performance showed them up in front of everyone.  These seniors, being proud and arrogant, preferred not to put in the extra effort to improve, and instead chose Gary to take their frustrations out on.  The team finished with one win and 18 losses.  Gary always played with the same intensity and effort.  He hated losing. 

Gary and I would play one on one.  You can imagine the advantage I had, 6’4” playing against his size and stature.  He was so competitive.  Eventually, we agreed I would shoot left-handed to even the scale.  I wanted to improve my left hand, and he simply wanted to win. Gary would beat me up in those games, and rarely would he call a foul. 

One incident when Gary was a senior stands out.  We were playing a home game during my sophomore year.  Gary was a senior who played 25-50% of the game.  We were getting beat, and Gary was playing his usual aggressive style.  Our coach at halftime was upset with our play, and he called Gary out for playing angry.  He said you can’t play that way.  Gary, not afraid to share his personal feelings, nor how he felt he played best, shouted back at the coach, “I play better when I’m mad!”

The coach threatened to keep him in the locker room if he intended to play that way.  I loved my brother, and since I was the leading scorer, and possibly the best chance we had to still win the game, I declared, “If Gary isn’t playing, I’m not playing either!”

It made no difference if I agreed with Gary or not, the point was I would stick up for my brother because he meant so much to me!

The coach backed off.  

We only won 3 games that year, but we broke a 36-game losing streak the high school varsity team had. Gary might have only won 3 to 4 games in basketball and maybe one or two football games his entire high school career.  

Gary was responsible for me transferring to the University of Wisconsin Oshkosh after my freshmen year at Platteville.  I’d made the varsity basketball team at Platteville, but since I already knew, I was transferring to Oshkosh I told the coach not to elevate me, and instead, they brought up another freshman player who was one of my best friends on the freshman team.

Gary discovered he had diabetes after he graduated from college.  He couldn’t find a job teaching and eventually chose to start at the grade school in Princeton, St. John’s the Baptist, the school he and I attended growing up.  He lived at home with my mother and dad.  

Gary loved history, and he dedicated his life to learning and specifically discovering the history and origins of Princeton.  After I divorced in 1984 and moved from Decatur, Illinois to Wausau, Wisconsin, he often would bring my son Dan up to visit me for the weekends.  He and my Dan got along famously.  I can still see his influence on him to this day. 

Gary coached the Girls' high school varsity basketball at the high school.  His team had the same gritty, aggressive intensity as him.  They won more games than they should have by pressing their opponent all over the court. Eventually, he lost this job and his teaching job at the grade school. His health deteriorated and the last couple of years of his life he spent in and out of the hospital with complications due to his diabetes. 

I would drive to visit him at the UW Madison hospital and call him several times a week, and eventually daily when his health made him bedridden.  I’ll never forget him telling me how guilty he felt about complaining about his condition, “I have nothing to complain about, my brother is in a wheelchair and can’t even move on his own, and I am complaining about my situation. I feel so guilty and inferior when I compare myself to him and what he’s endured!”

A final story about Gary that should tell you the type of person he was. 

My brother Gary was my best friend through most of my childhood and adult years. He taught me a great deal; he supported me and had a tremendous influence on my life by always looking out for me and giving me the greatest encouragement that anyone could ask for. After years of struggling with Type 1 diabetes, he made his transition about 4 a.m. the day after Labor Day, September 2006. The past six to nine months were a miserable challenge for Gary. He moved from the hospital to a nursing home and back again several times, never staying at the nursing home for longer than a week before something serious would take him back to the transplant or intensive care units of University Hospital in Madison, Wis. He had a foot amputated and lost his mobility. Eventually, he had difficulty feeding himself and taking care of the mundane everyday activities that we all take for granted. It was hard seeing my brother deteriorate. Yet as the end grew closer, I found my brother’s love for life increasing, and his patience, smile, and humor maintaining a reverence for others that I know I never could provide after all he had endured.

Perhaps among the greatest tributes paid to his memory was at the funeral service on Sept. 16. The pastor from University Hospital spoke about Gary, choking back tears as he told us how, in just a few months, he felt closer to Gary than he did to many friends he’s had for years. Often, Gary would tell him that he should spend time with others who needed it more because he was quite ready to face the reality of his death. A priest eulogized Gary and the undying love Gary had for the small town he and I had grown up in, Princeton, Wisconsin, population 1,509 at the time I attended high school. He had served as president of the local historical society. He helped others trace their genealogy and preserve the heritage of the city which grew famous for its Saturday flea markets and revitalized downtown full of quaint, unique shops.

At the end of the service, a friend of Gary’s from college, Tom Gross, now a successful small business owner of a plumbing company in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin, delivered a few brief memories of him. He recalled a time at the start of a new school year when Gary had asked him what he wanted to do with his life. He couldn’t recall what he had told Gary (he didn’t know what he wanted at the time) but he remembered what Gary had told him: "I want to be the richest man in Princeton."

If you know the story Frank Capra told about the character George Bailey in the film "It’s a Wonderful Life," then perhaps you can read between the lines to understand what Tom meant. More than 150 people attended the meal that was provided after the service, and it appeared that at least twice that many waited in a long line to offer their sympathy to my family during the visitation and the service that followed. My family has received more than 200 cards, including several from the nurses and attendees at the hospital.

I never truly understood what was so important to Gary about Princeton, I’d long since moved away and his attachment to it was something I’d never given much thought to. But on Saturday, Sept.16, I found out that a lot of people truly cared about what Gary had cared so deeply about. The outpouring of love, respect, and admiration over his commitment and dedication to the community through countless hours of service was truly powerful and moving. Forgive me, but I can’t help crying when I remember it.

If it’s true everything gives off its true fragrance when it’s crushed, then I had two of the finest examples of the fragrant bouquet my two brothers shared through their pain and trauma.

Call to Action

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Growth demands Strategic Discipline.

The next blog will share an early lesson I learned about determination through the sport of basketball.  Chapter IV of CANCER CURED is entitled Meditation – Patience and Focus.    

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Discipline sustains momentum, over a long period, laying the foundations for lasting endurance.

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NEXT BLOG – CANCER CURED CHAPTER IV – Patience & Focus